And so, after a very very very long time, i go to bed all angsty and disappointed.

I want to curse, swear, and throw something all at the same time.

But i cant write anything specifically in here, right.

Actually, i cant write ANYTHING personal on FB, Twitter, and even my own blog.

So what's a blog for? i dont know.

The irony.

With this last entry, I would like to say that i'm going elsewhere to write. Where there's more freedom, where I can write without feeling fear of being scrutinized or accused of not being a good testimony.

I doubt I have readers in the first place, so this sentence serves to be nothing more than a closure for myself.

I've always been nice. I pride myself in being nice. I smile to hide my fears, my insecurities, and all that i feel inside.
I would rather hurt myself than let anyone else be hurt first.

But i am tired. And i really want someone to listen, i dont want to feel judged all the time. All these emotions that i keep inside... i'm afraid i would self-destruct.

So goodbye, it's been a ride. I'm looking forward to somewhere new, and to finally have a breath of fresh air. (:

I told her it's okay, it's all in the past so no point blaming anyone. It's over anw.

Over.

Did i mean that the incident is already a thing of the past, or did i mean that the friendship was over?

Both, i think.

it's so sad to see a friendship dissolve.... but it takes 2 hands to clap and we're both getting it all wrong, i guess.

was looking at the MIT India Itinerary and planning...

i saw the role delegations and immediately i groaned inwardly. i couldnt help but ask myself if i'm sure i'm ready for this.

esp now, when life seems pretty smooth-sailing, why do i commit myself to smth as "mafan" as this?

then i remembered the reason why i wanted to join a MIT.
i wanted a breakthrough in my spiritual life, i wanted to know and love God all over again.
I want to be in the reality of His presence each and every day...

And i cannot be stagnant. I shouldn't remain comfortable.
i need to grow. i need to keep going!

so yeps... it's gonna be a journey of expectations!

even when things are going fine and well now..

(gosh, is this the first time i actually allowed myself to say that life is "well"?!)

help me not forget that all these is because of You and for You.

thank You.

i want to be able to see myself the way You see me.

why do You love me?

Should not complain about the Boyfriend living soooo far away when he has constantly made concessions to fetch me to and fro, and even kept the car just to ease the distance woes.

(:

Secretly hoping that we're getting back what we've lost over the years...

been thinking alot about my purpose lately...
perhaps cause im surrounded by seniors and friends who are in the midst of job searching.

me, i have also tried searching for ad/marketing jobs...
not much has come up yet.

then i ask myself, is this what i really wanna do? is this God's purpose for me?
i'm not sure... sometimes i suspect that i'm pursuing marketing because of the glam factor.
but tons of people have told me that there's nth glam about ad or marketing. so.... rationally speaking, "glam" shouldnt be a reason, right?

i don't know.

some part of me still remembers the excitement and joy of reporting to work at MP as a Marketing Assistant each day...
yes, maybe Adrian was one of the reasons, but honestly, i love the work!
its so exciting being able to conceptualise smth based on sheer creativity and seeing it come to pass!

though now, after 3 years, that memory is fading away rapidly and im starting to doubt whether i am competent enough in the first place. i no longer feel pride showing people my resume and the stuff i came up with at MP... cause it was so long ago. are the stuff still relevant?

=(

i feel sad.

so i was talking to God about it on the way home... sometimes i do get mad at God and ask Him why doesnt He just show me my purpose immediately? after all, He has promised me that He has a purpose for me... so, where is it? it will save me lots of trouble if i know it here and now, instead of running in all directions trying to figure it out by myself.

but nope. zilch. nothing. silence.

then this song came to mind and... i was touched.

"Here in Your courts where i'm close to Your throne, i've found where i belong."

maybe i've been so desperately seeking my career path that i've forgotten how it feels or what it means to be satisfied IN HIM. Christians love to quote: "He provides everything... Nothing means more than Jesus..." but honestly, are we just paying lip service? using glam quotes because they are well... glam?

hard questions that even i am asking myself...

i really dont know where to go frm here. not sure what my path is...sometimes my impatience kills me but at the end of the day,
i know a place where i know i will truly feel belonged.

my career is NOT my purpose in life... i am not defined by what i do or work as.

"Here in Your courts where i'm close to Your throne, i've found where i belong."

that's where i belong.

And so today marks the end of my exams, and the end of YEAR 3!!!!!

Phoebe, Bel, Emily and I were hanging around after exams talking...
it felt really warm to be able to chat so freely among ourselves. it sounds wired to say this but i never thought i would be able to reach this level of closeness with my uni friends, haha.

i just hope the summer hols wont ruin it!

anw, yes, i will realllyyyyyyy miss my Uni friends!
this has been the best sem ever. toiled really hard (i dont even think i studied so hard for my A Levels), had ups and downs with my group projects, but it was pretty much worthwhile overall.

3 years ago i entered SMU with not a single friend and now i feel that i've made so many friends!
awesome! the most amazing thing is that they are pretty much like-minded as me... in terms of faith and values.
so extremely thankful. :)

i'm gonna stop worrying about getting a job...
yesterday's devotional was about Dealing with Delay and it was really apt. (:

i shall intensify my job search now... and let's pray that this Summer will be the most meaningful ever.
after all, i've just had the most fulfilling sem! haha.

oh i love this song btw... been singing along it. love love love Christian songs!
but of course, love God most. <3

was having a funny conversation with Phoebe...

Me: hey Phoebe, what are you gonna do with the FA notes since the exam's over alr?
Her: hmmm usually i sell to garang guni man lo
Me: huh but that's so wasted... so much effort into writing the notes...
Her: haha i guess u cud sell them away!
Me: uhh who would want my ugly notes lol! i know! i'll use them as wrapping paper!! :D
Her: hahahahaha omg pls dont wrap any presents for me with the notes... it'll traumatize me
Me: hmmm all the more i should use the FA notes to wrap for you ma. cause you've taken FA before and u can relate to the agony!
Her: haha well maybe its not a bad idea after all... it'll make me very excited to want to tear the wrapping paper and get to the present quickly! must get the notes out of sight!

LOL!

okay dunno whether it sounds as funny here but we were really laughing abt it...

shows how traumatised FA was. =\

how on earth do people study Accounting. YUCKS!